Dear God (Nkasi)

Dear Daddy, 
I love helping people. I love to be a friend, a comforter, a pillar, a shoulder, an encourager for whoever needs it.
I love it when people let me in. When they allow me see their struggles. I love to carry people’s wahalas on my head. Pray with them, and offer little pieces of advice.
I love to mentor people. I love to teach, and to see growth.

The only thing is, in doing all of this I forget I need help myself.
I’m so busy trying to be a shoulder and pillar to other people, I’ve forgotten how to let people be pillars for me.
I’ve built so many walls around me, I don’t know how to let them down. I don’t know how to share my struggles with people. Because I struggle too. I get weak, tired.

Yet. The people who need encouraging remain. The people who need my shoulder to lean on are still there.
And so I brush whatever I’m feeling away. I discard the thoughts that I’m even more discouraged than these people, and I offer what little I have. Sometimes, it makes me feel better.

But I want a friend. I want to let someone all the way in. I want someone to see me, all of me. Not just the good parts, the parts where I’m a victor, a conqueror and an overcomer; but the parts where I suffer too. The parts where I struggle too.
The times I wake up with this horrible ache in my chest because I’ve been worrying so much.
The times I can’t even bear to open my Bible, or to pray, yet I’m sending out scriptures for others to read.
The times I’m typing words of encouragement to people, yet I’m not sure I believe it myself.

You’re doing something. I’m not sure what, but my spirit says you are. You’re grooming me. I will have faith in that. I will depend on you, because truly I realise I have no power of my own.

I will rejoice in Your word. I will rejoice in the words of 2 Corinthians 12:9.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When I am weak, then I am strong. ❤

I love you, Daddy.
Nkasi.