Empty Heart

FeaturedEmpty Heart

My darling blog that I have neglected forever and ever. I’m so glad to be back here.
I think it’s only right that I start with an explanation as to why I stopped (well, paused) blogging.
I stopped because I was distracted. I stopped because I became lazy and complacent with my walk with God. I stopped because I had nothing to give. And trust me, you can’t give what you don’t have. I’ll share some of the things I’ve learnt in this time.

Admitting that I am struggling is something I struggle with. I like everyone to think that I have it all together. I like to tell myself I have it all together, even when I don’t. I realize, however, that this only comes from a place of pride. I do not have it all together. If I did, I wouldn’t need God. It is in my weakness that He is glorified.
No wonder Paul says he takes pleasure in his weaknesses. Because weaknesses are avenues for God to show up and show out.

I am absolutely nothing without God. Without God, I am purposeless. I am empty. I am like chaff, blown around by the wind. I am a hot mess. There’s too many gaps within me that only God can fill.
Without God, I get distracted. I look to other things, people, activities to fill the gap that only God can. And this is a dangerous place to be in, because you’ll keep trying harder and harder to fill God-sized gaps with the wrong puzzle pieces. The end result is an empty, frustrated, what’s-the-point feeling because nothing you try is ever going to fit. God alone can truly satisfy the longings of my (and your) soul.

I can’t give what I don’t have. Scripture says

“Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45)

Another one says

“Out of your belly shall flow rivers of living waters.” (John 7:38)

It is what abounds in your heart that will come out of your mouth. Keyword – abounds.
The water in your belly must be so full, that it starts to flow out. Keyword(s) – so full.
Basically, I cannot manifest God until I am so full of Him that it is forced to come out. And what happens when I am constantly giving out and not spending enough time in the secret place to refill? I run dry. My fuel gauge is on empty. I have nothing else left to write about.
There’s nothing more important than your secret place with God. Your prayer closet. Or whatever else it is called in this our Christianese. It is in this place of intimacy with God that you are empowered to truly live for Him.

One more thing I have learnt is… I cannot run from God. He doesn’t let me. In a way that only God can, He draws me back to Him. Always. This is a constant.
What can separate me from the love of God? Nothing.
God just always arranges it somehow. He sends me signs, He sends me people, He speaks directly to my heart. I am convinced that this God I serve will never let me go. And He will never let you go.

It is my prayer that we never lose our wonder. It is my prayer that our eyes are stayed always on Jesus. It is my prayer that we experience a new level of intimacy with Him. It is my prayer that God graces us to be more intentional in our walk with Him. I feel an urgency in the Spirit, and I pray that God aligns our life with His will for us. Amen.

If you’re in any way struggling with your relationship with God, and you want someone to pray with, to join their faith with yours, or just to talk to, please reach out to me. I’m available.❤️

Dear God (Hephzibah)

Dear God
I don’t even know where to start from. I need your help. I need your helping hand in my life and my family. It’s not being easy at all and I know you’ve seen this already. You’ve seen the tears I shed on the inside, you see the way I worry till I fall asleep.
It’s hard for our fees to be paid, for us to be given pocket money.
I love my dad so much, I know how bad he wants to provide all our needs. It pains him that he can’t do that. And my mum, God bless her everyday. She is truly the woman described in Proverbs 31. She will give her life for our sakes.
I think about the things I could have, the nice things I want to have. But then compared to the things we’re struggling with, they are trivial things.
Above all Lord, I am still grateful for life. And I know you’ll still show your hand on our lives. And that our testimonies will come in your time.

Your daughter


Hey! I haven’t blogged in a while, and I apologise for my absence. I’m not even sure why, I just hadn’t felt a “push” yet. But now I have.
This is heavy on my heart, I’m praying the Lord releases everything He has put in me. I pray that these words shall be clearly communicated, and shall take root in your heart. In Jesus’ powerful name, Amen.

You know those rubber bands? The ones we use to do everything – pack our hair, pack money, and all of that. Do you ever play with it? Do you ever stretch it, and stretch and stretch, just trying to see how far it can go without breaking?
That’s what a lot of us, as young Christians do with regards to obeying God’s word and I’ll like us to talk about it today.

There are everyday questions that bother us young Christians, and I’ve gotten my fair share of these questions:

Is kissing a sin?
Can we go to clubs/ raves / drink ups as Christians?
Do the clothes we wear matter? What’s wrong with showing skin as long as I’m comfortable?

I’ve gotten to the point where I realise that those are not the questions we should be asking. As Christians, what are we called to be?

You have been set apart as holy to the Lord your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations of the earth to be his own special treasure.
Deuteronomy 14:2 NLT

See what God says we are? Set apart – removed from the rest of the world, chosen to be different, called to stand out. That’s who you are.
Set apart and Fitting in are two opposites. Antonyms. If God has called you to be set apart, why are you fitting in? What is the “it factor” in you that marks you as different from the rest of the world?

Okay, back to our rubber band talk. I say that stretching that rubber band just to see how far it can go is what a lot of us do everyday as Christians.
Our minds are saying – “How far can I go before it becomes a sin?
It’s just kissing after all, we’re not going to get naked or have sex.
It’s just clubbing after all, I’m not going to get drunk or something.
And so it goes on, there are so many instances.
You try to quiet the still voice within you that tries to convict you with a “well, the Bible doesn’t actually explicitly speak against it.
As true lovers of Christ, should this be so? Are we supposed to be living a “law-led” life or a Spirit led life? Should we be trying to live on the verge of sin? We’re called to be set apart. Our life goal should be pleasing our Maker. If we’re conforming with the rest of the world, there’s something wrong somewhere.

What I would say is check the motive behind everything you’re doing. These little issues that bother us young Christians, if you want to partake in it, ask yourself why. What is pushing you?
This urge inside of you, what is the source? Why do you want to? That’s the real question.

I love what Paul says to Timothy here.

Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts.
2 Timothy 2:22 NLT.

Think on that for a minute. Run (not negotiate with, or try to wiggle around) anything that stimulates youthful lusts. I love that it says anything that “stimulates” youthful lusts, and not just “run from youthful lusts.” Anything at all that will lead you to sin, run. Just run.
There’s a beautiful example of fleeing in the Bible, I’ll show you.

And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me! But he left his garment in her hand and fled and got out [of the house].
Genesis 39:12 AMP

This was Joseph fleeing from Potiphar’s wife.
Your focus is not on this world, but on the world to come. And I pray that God empowers you to know how and when to run.

I’m going to end this with my go-to scripture

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Romans 12:2 NLT


My Father, thank you for my life. I ask that from this moment, you teach me to live a Spirit led life. I ask that for direction Lord, that you show me the way in which I should go so that I may walk in it.
Help me Lord, that I will not be conformed to the standards of this world. May I be truly set apart for Your glory. May I be a light in this dark world. And when people see me, let them see you in me. I ask in the name that is above every other name Jesus, Amen.


The Untwisted Truth

I understand that life goes farther than
and wider than we will it to go. Sometimes we tug at the cloak of time to slow it down. It swishes on gently as if not bothered by our pleas and screams. I haven’t written in five months or so and as soon as I saw the blank page, my heart poured out into words I haven’t planned beforehand so please forgive me if my words are jumpy or clumped.

I have been on a journey so far.

A journey with my Father.

I recently found myself hungrier for him than I have ever been and I mean ravaging hunger, my bowels churning for a blooming relationship with him. I found out something so deep and special that every time I think about it it it brings about the glowing spectrum of a revival of love and understanding of who my father is.

My father is in love.

I cannot fathom such an amazing, glorious deity that sits on his throne thinking about me (& you) all day, every second. I have been in relationships before, but not as magnetic and everlasting as this. He is thinking of me right now and my heart shivers at the thought.

I sometimes stare at my reflection in the mirror and gaze at a mixture of dirt, imperfections, mistakes, sin and impurity but a friend (a sister rather) told me that Father doesn’t look at my imperfections, he only sees His righteousness in Christ.

Two exes ago, I was searching for a female to satisfy my urges and feelings. I found one at pecked at her mind like a woodpecker (no pun intended) slowly digging into her mind and emotions with my sweet words. My finger pressed on buttons that sent lies to her. I deceived her and when I was done with her I threw her away for another female.
There is a lesson in this flashback, when you don’t have God all you have is the world. The world will appear to please you at first, you will ravage for it and hunger for it and it will throw you a dry bone still covered in meaty fungi and after you have licked the bone and picked at every marrow. You will gaze at the world, your newfound master and it will laugh; laugh at you like a white man would laugh at the slaves as they fight for the leftover bread he threw down the front porch. Then it would throw you another bone and another till fade.

The world doesn’t satisfy eternally.
Its temporary satisfaction will only lead to permanent & eternal regret.

I’m never one to simmer down the pure gospel for anyone.
I will not make the gospel sound sweet just so you can bite it and then months into it you will leave it because the world threw you a sweeter bone.
I will not stand up to you and tell you that life as a Christian would be all smiles and smiles.
I will not hide the nights with you on your knees in sweat and tears fighting for your faith.
Holding on to the rope which is Christ and pleading your case boldly before the throne of grace.
I will not hide the devil’s constant nonstop arrows flying towards you in the form of obstructions, lack, oppression and whatsoever he wills.

I will not hide the pain of lost friends because of what you believe in (Jesus).

But I also will not hide the glory behind it all.
I would not hide the joy from revelation and heavenly visitations.
I would not hide the joy from victories won in Christ Jesus.
I would not hide the devils plan guaranteed to be always thwarted if you hold on to your faith.
I would not hide the daily testimonies on testimonies on testimonies.
I would not hide the beauty of assurance of a glorious future.
I would not hide the Rock where you can share all your troubles and they transform into stories that will win others into this glorious path of unending joy.

I love you so much that I will not lie to you.

You were made for this.

God bless you.

Josh Wesey.

This post was written by an amazing brother (in Christ) of mine. An artist in a deep relationship with Our Father. Feel free to follow him on twitter or Instagram, @JoshWesey.

Dear God ( Ore. M)

Dear God,

Before I say much, I want to thank you for everything you are to me. You are my friend, my father, my comforter and peace, my joy and my strength. You’re the song on my lips and the Rock I cling to. You really are everything to me.

I know my recent neglect breaks your heart as it does mine. I am sorry. As you know, I’m back home for summer and honestly, it’s been one struggle after another. Countless times my flesh has overpowered my spirit and I know it is as a result of not feeding my spirit. I must admit, my spirit is malnourished and weak. I haven’t been eating and digesting your word which is life to me. I’ve merely tasted it on some days and on other days, I’ve had no appetite whatsoever. I’ve let myself be deprived of my joy, strength and peace that comes from you and created space for anger, worry, pride and the idea of self-reliance to creep in.

When I look at my shortcomings, I want to run and hide like Adam and Eve did in Genesis. But you show me day in day out that you’re having none of that. That you love me too much to let me go. YOUR LOVE AND GRACE SURROUNDS ME ALL AROUND. When I think I’m running away, I find myself eventually running into your always open arms. This holiday our relationship has been one sided and the fault lies with me. I’ve been too silent but I hear you always. You still choose to speak to me, you still use me, you still protect me and shower me with numerous blessings. You’re so beautiful in all your ways.

Oh God, I actually want to just shout to the world how GREAT you are. This holiday has been a sober one for me. I’ve been learning, you are teaching me yourself and sending many of your children to share the knowledge you’ve given them. You’re teaching me that I am a soldier in your army therefore, I’ll always have work to do. A message to deliver, people to help, intercessory prayers to raise and your word to impart. I think what holds me back is the belief that I’m not even there yet so what right do I have to open my mouth. Hearing you tell me over and over again that while I’m working for you, you’re working in me so that my light can shine brighter before men who will in turn give you glory is very comforting. Thank you dear Father.

Relationships have different phases and regardless of how rocky ours may get, you’re still God and you do not change. You’ll never give up on us and you’ll give me the strength to fight for us when I entirely depend on you. Another important lesson you’re teaching me in this period of my walk with you. I forget this so many times and really all I should do when I doubt is to look back and see how good and faithful you are.

Lastly Yahweh, I want to say thank you for changing my circle of friends. Thank you for moving in the lives of people around me and drawing them closer to you. I see you changing hearts and you alone deserves the glory. Thank you for building young men and women who call upon your name day and night and make a daily effort to live for you. I ask that you keep them on your path and you give them everything they need to continually shine for Christ and Christ alone all the days of their lives. I ask that you help us all live for you, to be totally sold out to spreading LOVE (YOU) to the ends of this world so all men may be saved. Thank you for your Spirit in me. I’m hearing your voice louder than ever and fellowship with you is sweet! Oh yeah, thanks for lifting my writer’s block and helping me with the talent you’ve given me.

Thanks for always being there. You are my King. I love you Abba.


Dear God (CG)

Dear God,
Errm I’ve finally gotten an opportunity  to talk to you, it’s quiet serene here. I know you love me so much and then you have a lot of perfect plan for me but the thing is that I just can’t fathom what’s going on and what’s wrong with me… I’m struggling with a lot of things right now to be honest and I know you are aware of that.
The more I think I’m getting closer to you it seems like I’m taking more steps backwards; it’s just like a step forward and then five steps backward.
I feel like I’m going to give up soon, like I have gotten to my breaking point.
Everybody thinks I’m fine but deep down here in my heart am beginning to question my faith – I know You exist and You’ve performed a lot of miracles through me (then) but I still don’t understand why am in so much doubt right now;
I find myself asking questions like “Do you actually love me?!” For crying out loud, you do but what then is going wrong? Why is my faith wavering??.
Yes I’m a sinner but I need Your help too- I really need to overcome all these worldy, carnal stuffs I really need to. I’m so scared that I may not be ready when You come and that’s something I never hope would ever happen to me, never!!
Please take my hands Lord I’m ready, I’m ready to start a new leaf, I’m ready to start afresh from the bottom.I just hope it’s not too late.
I love you so much because even through my inconsistencies you’ve still been merciful to me.. I love you. Help me to love you more cos I know there is still room for that. Btw Dad I’m so happy to see all my friends experiencing the joy that comes with getting closer to You and knowing You more.
Please if there’s anything I’m going to ask for, it’s that you sustain them in the faith so they can run this Christian race to the very end.
I’m going to stop here for now…waiting for your reply💕


Dear God (Anaecheri)

Dead God,
Oh God… I’ve been struggling. I’ve been struggling to be consistent and holy since I realized the need to be consistent and holy. I find myself giving up at the slightest provocation and still wanting to fit in and not cause a fuss even though I’m literally not built to fit in. Always been a misfit; always will be a misfit, so why do I feel the need to blend in when it’s just not in me?

I get jealous of people who are blatantly unashamed of God; who say controversial crap. Sometimes I get annoyed. And I’m still trying to figure out why up till now, because I admire their cause… Maybe it’s their approach. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s both or something else entirely. But I still want to commend them. It’s not easy at all!

Anyhow, you’ve been so gracious. Can’t rant without mentioning that. You’ve been so so kind as well. I don’t deserve your loving kindness and I don’t thank you for it as much as I should. So sorry about that. That also needs to change.

So I discovered that I have discipline issues. Although it’s sad, it’s something that we can overcome together. Or more like you can overcome with my permission.

Just going to sign off before people get bored. Chukwu g’ozie yi…



Dear God (Nkasi)

Dear Daddy, 
I love helping people. I love to be a friend, a comforter, a pillar, a shoulder, an encourager for whoever needs it.
I love it when people let me in. When they allow me see their struggles. I love to carry people’s wahalas on my head. Pray with them, and offer little pieces of advice.
I love to mentor people. I love to teach, and to see growth.

The only thing is, in doing all of this I forget I need help myself.
I’m so busy trying to be a shoulder and pillar to other people, I’ve forgotten how to let people be pillars for me.
I’ve built so many walls around me, I don’t know how to let them down. I don’t know how to share my struggles with people. Because I struggle too. I get weak, tired.

Yet. The people who need encouraging remain. The people who need my shoulder to lean on are still there.
And so I brush whatever I’m feeling away. I discard the thoughts that I’m even more discouraged than these people, and I offer what little I have. Sometimes, it makes me feel better.

But I want a friend. I want to let someone all the way in. I want someone to see me, all of me. Not just the good parts, the parts where I’m a victor, a conqueror and an overcomer; but the parts where I suffer too. The parts where I struggle too.
The times I wake up with this horrible ache in my chest because I’ve been worrying so much.
The times I can’t even bear to open my Bible, or to pray, yet I’m sending out scriptures for others to read.
The times I’m typing words of encouragement to people, yet I’m not sure I believe it myself.

You’re doing something. I’m not sure what, but my spirit says you are. You’re grooming me. I will have faith in that. I will depend on you, because truly I realise I have no power of my own.

I will rejoice in Your word. I will rejoice in the words of 2 Corinthians 12:9.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When I am weak, then I am strong. ❤

I love you, Daddy.

If You Do Good

Before I begin this post, let me just say this. I love the ministry of the Holy Spirit. I love how He works. And I love how He uses little things around us to signal us sometimes.
I was just stepping out of my room, when I heard some of my housemates reminiscing on an old song we used to sing when we were younger. I don’t know if you know it, but it goes like this:

If you do good, Kingdom!
Oh oh oh oh, Kingdom!
Oh oh oh oh, Kingdom waiting for you! 

If you do bad, no more kingdom!
Oh oh oh oh, no more kingdom!
Oh oh oh oh, no more kingdom waiting for you!

It brought a smile to my face. But somehow, I was convicted to listen to the words of the song again. And I realised how wrong the song is.
Christianity has been perceived to be about doing good, about being a good person, about doing the right thing, about following all the rules, about being a charitable person and all of the works.
But permit me to challenge that thought system? Permit me to say that Christianity is not about being a “good” person, it’s about being a “God” person.
This is reflected time and time again in the Bible. The world’s standards of “good” is not always God’s standard.

Remember Rahab? The prostitute? She saved the Israelite spies. You remember how she did that? By lying.

Joshua 2:3 – 6
Then the king of Jericho sent to Rahab, saying, “Bring out the men who have come to you, who entered your house, for they have come to search out all the land.”
But the woman had taken the two men and hidden them. And she said, “True, the men came to me, but I did not know where they were from.
And when the gate was about to be closed at dark, the men went out. I do not know where the men went. Pursue them quickly, for you will overtake them.”
But she had brought them up to the roof and hid them with the stalks of flax that she had laid in order on the roof.

Shouldn’t lying be punished? Shouldn’t Rahab be considered sinful? Isn’t she a bad person, going about lying like that?
Here’s what the Bible has to say.

Hebrews 11:31
By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

When Jericho and it’s inhabitants were being destroyed, Rahab and her family were not destroyed with them.
And do you see what the Bible credits it to? It credits it to her faith!
According to normal standards, Rahab lied. She was a bad person. According to God’s standards, Rahab obeyed.

Let me tell you about another woman I love so much. The woman with the alabaster box who poured expensive oil on Jesus’ feet.
She was immediately rebuked by the disciples.
Why would you waste such expensive oil? Doesn’t being a good person demand that you be charitable and that you sell the oil and give it to the poor?
I love the fact that Jesus Himself rebuked them.

Matthew 26:7 — 9
A woman came up to him with an alabaster flask of very expensive ointment, and she poured it on his head as he reclined at table.
And when the disciples saw it, they were indignant, saying, “Why this waste?
For this could have been sold for a large sum and given to the poor.”
But Jesus, aware of this, said to them, “Why do you trouble the woman? For she has done a beautiful thing to me.

He showed us how true Christianity is not about being a good person, it is about being a God person.

A God person is ready to obey God at all times.
A God person is led by the Holy Spirit in all that he does.
A God person is focused on pleasing God, and not on appearing good in the eyes of the world.

Your good deeds can not please God. Several times, I’ve heard people say “because it’s Sunday, I’m not going to insult you” or something along those lines.
Someone also once told me that when you do one good act, it cancels out two bad acts you’ve done in heaven.
But that’s not how the Kingdom of God works.
Instead, focus on being led by the Spirit of God, rather being a good person.
Because there will be good people, who will not inherit the Kingdom of God. And there will be supposedly bad people, who will inherit the Kingdom of God.

You can always email me with your questions, somtoudeke@gmail.com

Stay blessed!

Dear God, I’m trying my best.

Dear God,
I’m trying my best.

I saw this tweet on my timeline, and I had to pause.
Can you relate?
The 300 and something retweets it got indicates that a lot of people can.

But you know what? We’re trying our best in the wrong ways.
We’re trying our best to step out of living lukewarm lives. 
We’re trying our best to break free from all kinds of addictions.
We’re trying our best to be better Christians.
We’re trying our best to stop sinning.
We’re trying, and trying, and trying, yet we keep failing and failing and failing.

Want to know why? Christianity is not about trying. Your relationship with God is not about your efforts. It’s not about your willpower to overcome temptation. It’s not about your strength to break free from that addiction.

Zechariah 4:6 NIV
So he answered me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.

It is about The Spirit of God. It’s about recognising that you are a weak and infallible vessel, with absolutely no strength of your own. It is about surrendering; about admitting that you cannot handle your affairs on your own. You cannot live a holy life on your own. You cannot break free from addictions on your own.

You know what happens when you try to do it on your own? You fail. You get fed up. You get exhausted. Because you’re relying on your own strength.

A relationship with God happens when you stop trying. That’s the beauty of surrendering. That’s why it’s a relationship, and not mere “religion”.
God is not waiting for you to “fix yourself” before coming to Him. He’s not waiting for you to get your stuff together before going to Him.
He wants you just as you are. Just as you are, go to God. Let Him take your every worry, and every burden away. And watch Him prune you into the masterpiece He has destined you to be.


Dear Lord Jesus, I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of trying and never getting anywhere. I’m tired of depending on my own strength.
I am a weak and fallible vessel, and I ask that you empower me. I ask that you teach me to depend on You alone for my strength.
And I ask that you mold me into the vessel of honour you have destined me to be in. I ask this in the powerful name of Jesus, Amen.